Archive for the ‘Condoms’ Category

Mitch Mustain Has A Message

April 10, 2009

“High. My name is Mitch Mustain, and I sniff my mom’s panties. Don’t I look cool and super suave with this killer stache man? This is why I transferred to U$C. I wanted to grow a stache, become a 3rd string quarterback, and be closer to my future profession as a smut dealer. Life is GREAT!!!”

Petey Poodle Is Pissed

January 15, 2009

Southern Cal quarterback, Mark Sanchez, made his announcement that he would forgo his final year of eligibility and enter the NFL Draft. I guess the Poodle didn’t take it so well…

USC coach Pete Carroll was extremely ungracious during the Mark Sanchez press conference. He stormed out of the room and did not even sit at the table before Sanchez addressed the media. Something he never did when Matt Leinart, etc., announced their decisions.
Carroll never sat down at the table but stood with his palms on the table. His anger was clear if you spend time around him.
Not a great moment. – Scott Wolf, The Daily Trojan

What a dick.

Random Randomness, Meticulously Placed At Random

January 14, 2009

As we head full steam into the later stages of the recruiting wars, I sit here at my computer with a level 5 migraine, a pregnant wife, and bracing for a blizzard- that just doesn’t want to start. There are many, many topics to cover and I’m sure we have many, many opinions on these topics, but right now I have just a few random points to put out there. Welcome to the discussion. And if you don’t think that this post is a random thing of beauty, then what is that picture of Tom Lopienski doing on the left hand side? Hmm? That’s what I thought…

Recruiting is at a fevered pitch right now. As it stands, the Fighting Irish have 17 commitments and are ranked #18 by in the recruiting rankings. Not exactly what we are used to, but this class has the same feel as the 2006 class. That class was ranked 5th in the team rankings and had a whopping 28 players. But, since then the 2006 class has lost 10 players due to transfers, medicals, and being a douche bag. So, as long as the 2009 class stays their 3 or 4 years, they should collectively be as good or even better than the 2006 class.

Don’t jump over the edge just yet. Weis is not done with the 2009 class by any stretch of the imagination. Along with some current offers that the staff has been actively pursuing they are looking at offering more kids as well, and have done so already. The current offer list has these recruits offered that are looking at Notre Dame and the Irish have at least a shot at gaining a commitment:

There are, of course, other prospects that Notre Dame has offered that are uncommitted, but these are the ones that they still have a shot with signing. Pollard, although a recent decommitment from the Irish, is still being heavily pursued by the Irish. It ain’t over yet, but is probably unlikely that Pollard changes his mind again- although I’ve seen weirder. The other committed prospect is Byron Moore, who most people on the inside think that his commitment to U$C is very soft. Buchanan is the most recent offer and I suspect that ND may have a couple more in mind before the end of next week. Just a hunch. I think Notre Dame will land 2 or 3 more prospects before it is all over with.

The coaching search is still quiet. No new hires have been made for any of the coaching vacancies. This is a slow and excruciating process for Irish fans, but one that has to take its course. A lot of names have been thrown out, but nothing of real substance has really been put out in front just yet. Also, there has been reports of Latina being fired, but that has been denied by the University. And when in the hell is Weis going to show Mendoza the line to the unemployment office? The Mendoza and Latina jobs ( Strength and Offensive line jobs) are probably the two that most need a change. Notre Dame passes the eye test with their lineman… until some guy that weighs 40 pounds less blasts them on their ass.

I don’t expect anything to surface too soon, but I’m not sure if that is good news or bad news. The fact remains that these staff assignments are of vital importance and if Notre Dame is going to take that next step as an improving team, these hires need to be of a first class nature. Weis knows this and I am sure he is doing all that he can to make the best possible hires from a pool of candidates that meets the criteria that both he and the administration have set out in front of them. Tenuta was a late hire last year, and I’m pretty sure that he has worked out well for the Irish- and for wildlife everywhere.

A few notes on the enemy. A mini-Link-O-Rama if you will…

Subway Domer News…

Despite pleas to my employer that National Signing Day is in all actuality a national holiday and worthy of a paid holiday, they have made no effort to pay me to stay at home to check message boards for information on the stream of Letters of Intent that will be coming over the fax machines at Notre Dame. So, it remains to be seen if I will be posting on that glorious day. If i do, I will have a Live Blog up and running for you to vent and boast.

Shortly after that beautiful holiday, I will post the Subway Domer Recruiting Spectacular: 2009. And by shortly, I mean a day or two or three after. Please take the time to check it out as I try hard not to swear. Here are the links to the 2007 & 2008 versions.

Then kids, after the Recruiting Spectacular has been out for a few days, I will post my State of Recruiting: 2009. This isn’t quite what you may think it is. You have to take it literally. Here are the links to the 2007 & 2008 versions.

This is all subject to me not dieing in this blizzard or my wife not giving birth before February 17th.

Congratulations are in order to OC Domer. That SOB won the Subway Domer Bowl Pick-Em for the 2nd year in a row. Last year he asked me to make a donation at the Grotto in lieu of the T-Shirt prize. Those regular alumni must really like not having to put the word “subway” as a prefix to their alumni status. So what’s it going to be this year OC, saint or shirt?

A Bunch Of Assholes

December 13, 2008

I sat in the Notre Dame student body for 3 years, and never saw any of this shit- even when Demetrius Jones made an appearance. This guy looks a lot like Eric from The Subway Alumni Show.

Southern Cal. November 29, 2008

November 29, 2008

Welcome to the last Anti-Preview for the Fighting Irish in this regular season. It has been a very up and down year for the Irish, and they are looking to salvage a season with an improbable victory against our greatest rival. With most of the talk this week being about Coach Weis and his future with the program, the team is probably looking forward to getting away from South Bend and all of those type of distractions.

Speaking of distractions, I apologize to all of you who enjoy reading these Anti-Previews. This is going to be a very short and sweet version. I have had more on my plate than usual these past few days and I just don’t have it in me for a full dose. Excuses, excuses- whatever.

Southern Cal. These guys are pretty fucking good and have only got better as the season has progressed. The defense is littered with future first round picks for the NFL and the offense has been extremely efficient. Plus, they have this for a distraction. I hate them.

What should you be drinking? I don’t know. The real answer is “Yes. A lot.” You better get wasted and you should have plenty of time to do it with a prime time game. Prime Time. Go for the shamrocks, and try not to end up as butch as this chick:

What should you be eating? They are out in LA, so anything is going to be possible. But instead of going the fine dining route, get something quick and easy. In-N-Out Burger. Or, maybe something as simple as a nice watermelon:

What should I be wearing? Black. This might be a funeral for a few different reasons. But it could be enjoyable with the following company.

What freshman will have the biggest impact? I wish to Christ I could say Floyd, but we all know that ain’t happening. Darius Flemming. He has been playing very well for the defense as of late. The Irish will need to create some type of pass rush and Flemming could use his quickness to his advantage.

What offensive player needs to step it up? I’m calling you out. The ENTIRE offensive line. SC is talking a lot of shit, and they are looking to fucking destroy Clausen. So the entire line has to pull up their skirts and get to work . Sam Young, Trevor Robinson, Chris Stewart, Dan Wenger, Eric Olsen, and Mike Turkovich. All of these guys have to step up and perform. If the Irish could somehow keep Clausen on his feet and maintain some kind of consistency in the ground game, than the Irish will be able to have a legitimate shot.

What defensive player needs to step it up? Steve Quinn. With Brian Smith out and a huge void on the defensive side, look for Quinn to see a majority of the snaps over Toryan Smith. Smith is a step slower than Quinn and with the speed the Irish will see against the Trojans. Quinn has the savvy to make an impact, but will he be able to keep up? The entire defensive unit will be going against an onslaught from a USC offense that will mix up the play calling and use multiple personnel groups. Sanchez must be on his ass to have any chance.. Quinn might be able to get there and do it.

What special teams player needs to step it up? Brandon Walker. Continue the consistency and nail those 45 yard and less field goals. Notre Dame could find itself in the middle of the fight if they are getting the job done on both sides, the field goal team could put them over the edge- either way.

Is there a rivalry trophy at stake? As a matter of fact, yes. (I wouldn’t have asked otherwise) Here is an excerpt from an old Subway Domer post on all of ND’s rivalry trophy games

The Jeweled Shillelagh is the hardware given to the
winner of the annual contest of the Trojans and The Fighting Irish. Legend
states that Howard Hughes’ pilot brought this Gaelic Warclub, made of blackthorn
oak, over from Ireland in 1952. The Notre Dame Alumni Club of Los Angeles
created the award. The winner of the contest is awarded the trophy with a new
medallion to mark the victor. ND has emerald shamrocks while USC has ruby
encrusted Trojan heads. Although the trophy was created in 1952, the entire
series is recorded back to 1926. There have been 5 ties and those games are
represented with a combo medallion. The original shillelagh was retired after
the 1995 season. There was simply no more room for anymore shamrocks or heads.
It now resides at Notre Dame because the Irish won more games up to that point.
(We still do even after losses for 5 straight seasons with a 42-31-5 mark).
There is a new trophy that is a little longer than the original. It was
purchased by Jim Gillis, a former baseball player for ND and USC. It is the same
kind of oak and hails from the County Leitrim in Ireland. It was introduced in

So who’s going to win? Most people will say that this game is a sure bet. Notre Dame is a 30 point underdog and has virtually no chance to win this game or even have the delusional thought of keeping this game close. What the hell. Irish win 29-27. Somehow, someway.

The Greatest Team In The History Of The World Loses… Again

September 26, 2008

Despite reports to the contrary, USC is just another football team. Just another Trojan that got choked out by a beaver. Happens in L.A. all the time.
Orsen has more at EDSBS. Headlines! Headlines! Read all about it! The Poodle shits himself!

Why The Hell Not?… Episode IV A New Hope

August 21, 2008

The season is drawing closer and closer to the opening kickoff for our beloved Irish. Notre Dame stands at 8-1 and just a few votes away from being in the top 10. The Fighting Irish feel as if they are being overlooked and under ranked with only one blemish on their record. Three teams stand in their way for a BCS berth and possibly a shot at the National Title.

ND (8-1) @ Navy (5-4) 42-14 IRISH

Navy comes into this game needing only one more win to be bowl eligible. They are coming off of a much needed bye week as their starting QB Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada (or simply: Kaipo) was out for most of the game versus Temple with a hamstring injury that has bothered him since fall camp. Notre Dame and its legion of alums and fans are eagerly looking forward to this game and are ready to dish out some revenge after last season’s 3OT loss to end the 43 year losing streak by Navy.

The game was never really close. The Irish took their first three drive of the game for a TD. The first was on a 8o yard drive that ended with a 4 yard TD run from Robert Hughes. It was his 6th carry of the drive. The second TD drive was considerably shorter on both yards and plays. One play was all it took and Luke Schmidt took a screen pass out of his H-Back position with a convoy 47 yards for a TD. The third drive was after Navy slotback Shun White broke a long run, but was stripped of the ball at the Irish 22 by a hustling Gary Gray. Kyle McCarthy fell on it for the recovery. 12 plays later Michael Floyd caught a 17 yard crossing route in front of the goalline and fell back into the endzone for the score. Navy finally scored on a wicked triple reverse that put Tyree Barnes in the endzone. Notre Dame led at the half 21-7.

The Irish jumped all over the Middies in the second half to continue the onslaught. They put up two touchdowns in the third quarter (8 yard run by Aldridge and a 12 yard pass to Ragone). This put the Irish at a comfortable 35-7 lead going into the 4th. Navy scored a TD on a very well choreographed drive of 76 yards. The Irish took the ball on the kickoff and ate up the next 8 minutes of clock by running the ball and running it some more. Jonas Gray finally punched it in for the TD with about 1:19 on the clock.

MVP- Brian Smith: 18 Tackles. 5TFL. 3 Sacks. Beast

ND (9-1) VS. Syracuse (2-8) 49-0 IRISH

It was surprising that Greg Robinson lasted as long as he did. He was finally fired after Syracuse lost its 6th straight and 8th overall for the season versus UConn. They lost that game 38-0 while Zach Frazer threw for over 300 yards and 5 TD’s for the Huskies.

This was a killing. Jimmy Clausen threw for a career high 397 yards and 5 TD’s ( Grimes 15yd, Schmidt 17yd, Grimes 29yd, Floyd 44yd, Kamara 22yd) as he is getting better and better as the season winds down. Robert Hughes topped the 100 yard mark with 112 yards and scored a TD on a52 yard run. Asaph Schwaap scored the first TD in his 4 years on a dive from the one.

Syracuse was dismal and only had 138 yards of offense, three turnovers (2 fumbles, 1 INT) and was sacked 6 times. three of those sacks were via Kerry Neal.

After the game, Syracuse called Cincinnati and forfeited the next game. Two hours later, Syracuse announced the cancellation of the entire football program.

Troy Nunes continues to blog.

MVP- Jimmy Clausen: 31-40 397yds 5 TDs.

ND (10-1) @ U$C (9-1) 3-0 IRISH

The Trojans are coming off of a bye week and boy did they need it. The team has had 14 different outbreaks of jock itch this season. The players spent the off week sitting in tubs of ice. When Fighting Irish Assistant Head Coach Jon Tenuta was asked by a reporter if he “felt that this jock problem would translate into a positive for ND”, Tenuta calmly grabbed a a dead caribou carcass from under the desk and gnawed on it. I take that as a no comment.

The game itself turned into a disaster for both teams as a killer storm attacked Los Angeles. By killer, I mean that Brittany Spears, Tom Cruise, Paula Abdul, and Keanu Reeves are no longer with us. DUUUDE. The officials delayed the game for 2 hours waiting on the lightning to pass. When it finally did, the crap hole known as the Coliseum was now a real crap hole.

Neither team could move the ball efficiently and as frustration set in over the field conditions, tempers flared. Eric Olsen was tired of the bullshit. After the Irish came out at halftime with the game tied at 0-0, Olsen heard that fucking song from the Trojan band one too many times and destroyed the entire brass section himself. He was escorted out of the stadium by security to the applause of 79,000 fans. They were glad that the band finally was silenced as well.

The game continued on to be one punt after another. Field goals were tried and field goals were missed. Turnovers happened at a steady pace. Then, lightning struck. No not that lightning, Armando Allen. He received a punt at the Irish 22 yard line and somehow found enough footing to juke and jive his way to open daylight and streak down the sideline. He was finally pushed out of bounds at the Trojan 27 yardline. After 3 short runs Notre Dame was on the U$C 20 with :22 remaining after an Irish timeout. Brandon Walker trotted on to the field. The ball was set, and then it was snapped… right over the head of the holder! Walker chased the ball and fell on it to stop the play. Turnover on d….Flag on the play. U$C was lined up in the neutral zone. Irish ball. 1st and 10 from the 15. Weis kept his kicking unit out there as the clock now read :13. Walker was 32 yards away from glory. Snap is good… hold is good… the kick… motherfucking good!!!!! The Irish have a 3-0 lead with :7 remaining. The Trojans tried a lateral return on the kickoff but fumbled it away to Steve Paskorz with time expired.

Walker was carried off of the field. Pete Carroll wept as Snoop Dog beat his ass. The Irish finish the regular season at 11-1 and now wait on the BCS in a few weeks to find out where they play.

MVP- Brandon Walker: 1-4 FG 32 yarder & Ian Williams: 13 tackles 3TFL 2 sacks.

Next Up: Bowl Game

Ranking: 3 A.P. / 4 Coaches / 3 BCS

Subway Domer’s Reponse To 11 Warriors Nightmare

July 9, 2008

Recently, my friends over at 11 Warriors published a post about their Buckeyes and their forthcoming matchup versus the Condoms of U$C. And quite frankly, I’m a little disturbed. Where is the cockiness my friends? Where is the bravado to just say… “FUCK U$C!”?

Normally I root for any team on Notre Dame’s schedule to win as many games as they can. However, when it comes to U$C and Michigan, I just don’t give a fuck and find myself wishing for tremendously bad things to happen to them. Sometimes I find a wandering gypsy and pay $8.oo for a curse to be unloaded on these two teams, and sometimes it works. (See Stanford and Appalachian State). Well I just so happened to find a gypsy outside of Hicksville, Ohio and I dropped $17.42 to ensure a victory for SweaterVest and company.

I might have wasted my money. I think the Bucks win and here’s why…

1 & 2) Taylor Mays, Brian Cushing, and Rey Mauluga. Yes. Mays, Cushing, and Maualuga are very big. And in fact, their defense looks to be one of the very best in the country. But, I think the Trojan D-Line might be a little overrated and that should be the key. The running game. Feed the rock to your boy Beanie and Saine and control the tempo of the game.

3) Those Running Backs. Hey. These guys aren’t Reggie Bush or even LenDale White. They’re good. But, they aren’t even close to the superstar tag team duo of Bush and White. The Trojan O-Line is going to be young and still mostly green for the season before the Buckeyes get into L.A. McNight may be the real deal, but he is not as fast as advertised. Illinois DB Vontae Davis tracked him down like an injured elk.

4) Pete Carroll & His Gigantic Big Game Gonads. WTF? “Pete’s the one coach that’s pretty hard to hate.” Not so fast my friend. He’s a cock smoker. Ask any Irish, Bruin, or decent human being, “Do you like Pete Carroll?” There response will always be, “I fucking hate him. He’s a poodle bitch.” He is, however, a great big game coach. I understand your fear and provide stats to back it up… In the last 5 seasons U$C has lost a total of 6 games. 4 of those 6 losses came to unranked teams. They only have 1 loss at home in the last 5 seasons to unranked and irish patsy, Stanford. So there is no doubt he will be ready for the Buckeyes because OSU will be a ranked, non-Pac-10 team , playing in the hellhole known as The Coliseum. Streaks are dying everywhere. Ask Navy.

5) Will Ferrell. I’ll one up ya. How about Snoop Dogg?

Just take a deep breath friends of the mighty poisonous nut. You are in great shape to make a statement early this year. My prediction: OSU 17 U$C 14. Should be a good game and I’ll be sure to watch all if I can make it without stabbing my eyeballs with a steak knife and stuffing my ears with silly putty.

If you really want to piss off the Condom faithful, wear these around L.A. and tell them you bought them from a Fighting Irish blog.

Headbutts And Groin Kicks… Post $C Rant

October 22, 2007
  • David Bruton. He is the Irish’s best special teams player and safety. When he was out of the game for a leg injury, you could tell the difference. Best gunner in the entire universe.
  • Micheal Floyd. Thanks bud. Your first headbutt.

Groin Kicks

  • Pete “The Poodle” Carroll. You are a dick. Challenging a reception in the final minutes for no reason, other than to be a dick. Transforming into a fortune teller and spouting off predictions of ND’s demise post-game (however true it might be), means you are a dick. And for just being a dick… means you are a dick.
  • NBC. Get the game over with. No one, outside of true fanatics, was watching this ass whooping after the 3rd quarter. Those ads mean shit. I hate you. And yet… I need you.
  • The whole damn Irish football team. I mean seriously, I didn’t want to vent, but after 5 concussions from beating my head against the wall I think I need to say something. 4 more games to get your shit together and make SOMETHING out of this season.
  • Charlie Weis. QUIT HANDING THE BALL OFF TO SCHWAAP!!! I can handle an anemic running game knowing that our line is playing soft, but even 1 carry to Asaph is 1 too many. Tell him to block someone first.
  • Subway Domer. Another week of piss poor performance by the Emperor of the Subway Alumni (disprove it) because, I’m not sure how much I have left in the tank. I’d promise better, but that might be a lie such as the one being told about ANY improvement on the offensive side of the ball. sigh

No Condoms For Johnson

June 28, 2007

In what is turning out to be a whirlwind recruiting class for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, another top prospect has committed to Our Lady Of The Lake. Ethan Johnson, a 6’4″ 265 lbs. defensive end from Lincoln High in Portland Oregon, made the decision final Wednesday night and became the 17th prospect to commit for the incoming 2008 class. Johnson is rated as a 5 star by scout and is the 48th overall player by Rivals.

Ethan turned down offers from UCLA, Oregon, Skunkbears (what else did you expect), and wait for it……U$C. Apparently, Snoop Dogg and Will Ferrell are not high on Johnson’s priorities.

This is a HUGE pickup for the Irish, which needed to shore up its front 7 this year. That makes it 3 DEs, 2 DTs (NG), and 3 LBs. Expect at least another LB, if not 2.

I would add more, but I am in “shock mode” with 17 commits before July. Please do not attempt to wake me!