Archive for the ‘Jealousy Is A Motherfucker’ Category

Everybody’s All-American

June 23, 2008

It’s starting to get to be that time of year. Preseason polls, All-American lists- the whole enchilada. In that spirit, Subway Domer is proud and boastful to bring you this years, Subway Domer All-American Team. It is the same concept as last year, only I have added the only known preseason Freshman All-American team. I’ll explain later. So, without further eye-gouging…
OFFENSE 1st Team
QB- Chase Daniel SR. Missouri
RB- Chris Wells SO. Ohio State
RB- LeSean McCoy SO. Pitt
WR- Michael Crabtree SO. Texas Tech
WR- Percy Harvin JR. Florida
WR- Greg Carr SR. Florida State
TE- Travis Beckum SR. Wisconsin
FB- Stanley Havili SO. USC
C- Max Unger SR. Oregon
OG- Duke Robinson SR. Oklahoma
OG- Anthony Parker SR. Tennessee
OT- Andre Smith JR. Alabama
OT- Michael Oher SR. Ole Miss
K- Sam Swank SR. Wake Forest
KR- C.J. Spiller JR. Clemson
DEFENSE 1st Team
DE- George Selvie JR. South Florida
DE- Greg Middleton JR. Indiana
DT- Fili Moala SR. USC
DT- Vince Oghobaase JR. Duke
ILB- James Laurinaitis SR. Ohio State
ILB- Rey Maualuga SR. USC
OLB- Brian Cushing SR. USC
OLB- Brian Toal SR. Boston College
CB- Malcolm Jenkins SR. Ohio State
CB- Vontae Davis JR. Illinois
FS- Taylor Mays JR. USC
SS- Nic Harris SR. Oklahoma
P- Kevin Huber SR. Cincinnati
PR- Derrick Williams SR. Penn State
OFFENSE 2nd Team
QB- Tim Tebow JR. Florida
RB- Knowshon Moreno SO. Georgia
RB- James Davis SR. Clemson
WR- Jeremy Maclin SO. Missouri
WR- Brandon Gibson SR. Washington State
WR- Sammie Stroughter SR. Oregon State
TE- Chase Coffman SR. Missouri
FB- Eric Kettani
C- Alex Mack SR. Cal
OG- Herman Johnson SR. LSU
OG- Steve Rehring SR. Ohio State
OT- Phil Loadholt SR. Oklahoma
OT- Alex Boone SR. Ohio State
K- Jose Martinez SR. UTEP
KR- AJ Wallace JR. Penn State
DEFENSE 2nd Team
DE- Tyson Jackson SR. LSU
DE- Michael Johnson SR. Georgia Tech
DT- DeMarcus Granger JR. Oklahoma
DT- Terrance Taylor SR. Michigan
ILB- Jasper Brinkley SR. South Carolina
ILB- Dave Philistin SR. Maryland
OLB- Aaron Curry SR. Wake Forest
OLB- Anthony Heygood SR. Purdue
CB- Victor Harris SR. Virginia Tech
CB- Mike Mickens SR. Cincinnati
FS- William Moore SR. Missouri
SS- Myron Rolle JR. Florida State
P- Louie Sakoda SR. Utah
PR- David Gilreath SO. Wisconsin
Now it’s time for something new. We see freshman making big impacts every year for their teams right from the opening game and straight on to the bowls. This year, I am going to give my Subway Domer Preseason Freshman All-Americans. It will consist of one player from each position group. These may not be the #1 players coming in from High School, but they are the ones who will make the biggest impact at their position for their team, or so I think.
QB- Jacory Harris *Miami
RB- Darrell Scott *Colorado
WR- Mike Floyd *Notre Dame
TE- Blake Ayles *USC
OL- Josh Jenkins *West Virginia
DL- Da’Quan Bowers *Clemson
LB- Jonathon Major *Colorado
DB- Rahim Moore *UCLA
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No Condoms For Johnson

June 28, 2007

In what is turning out to be a whirlwind recruiting class for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, another top prospect has committed to Our Lady Of The Lake. Ethan Johnson, a 6’4″ 265 lbs. defensive end from Lincoln High in Portland Oregon, made the decision final Wednesday night and became the 17th prospect to commit for the incoming 2008 class. Johnson is rated as a 5 star by scout and is the 48th overall player by Rivals.

Ethan turned down offers from UCLA, Oregon, Skunkbears (what else did you expect), and wait for it……U$C. Apparently, Snoop Dogg and Will Ferrell are not high on Johnson’s priorities.

This is a HUGE pickup for the Irish, which needed to shore up its front 7 this year. That makes it 3 DEs, 2 DTs (NG), and 3 LBs. Expect at least another LB, if not 2.

I would add more, but I am in “shock mode” with 17 commits before July. Please do not attempt to wake me!

The Subway Domer All-American Team

June 26, 2007

This is the First Annual Subway Domer All-American Team. This is a mostly unbiased list, but as it goes with EVERYONES AA teams… I might have a slight lean to a few players for one reason or another. The players on this team not only represent what they have accomplished in the past, but what the incoming season might hold for them as well.

OFFENSE 1st Team
QB- Brian Brohm Sr. Louisville
RB- Darren McFadden Jr. Arkansas
RB- Steve Slaton Jr. West Virginia
FB- Adam Ballard Sr. Navy
WR- Limas Sweed Sr. Texas
WR- DeSean Jackson Jr. Cal
WR- James Hardy Jr. Indiana
TE- John Carlson Sr. Notre Dame
C- John Sullivan Sr. Notre Dame
OG- Will Arnold Sr. LSU
OG- Herman Johnson Jr. LSU
OT- Jake Long Sr. Michigan
OT- Sam Baker Sr. USC
K- Alexis Serna Sr. Oregon State
KR- Marcus Thigpen Indiana
DEFENSE 1st Team
DE- Calais Campbell Jr. Miami
DE- Tommy Blake Sr. TCU
DT- Glenn Dorsey Sr. LSU
DT- Frank Okam Sr. Texas
ILB- James Laurinaitis Jr. Ohio State
ILB- Dan Conner Sr. Penn State
OLB- Brian Cushing Jr. USC
OLB- Keith Rivers Sr. USC
CB- Zachary Bowman Sr. Nebraska
CB- Aqib Talib Jr. Kansas
FS- Kenny Phillips Jr. Miami
SS- Tommy Zbikowski Sr. Notre Dame
P- Geoff Price Sr. Notre Dame
PR- DeSean Jackson Jr. Cal
Offense 2nd Team
QB- Colt Brennan Sr. Hawaii
RB- Jonathan Stewart Jr. Oregon
RB- Ray Rice Jr. Rutgers
FB- Mike Viti Sr. Army
WR- Early Doucet Sr. LSU
WR- Mario Manningham Jr. Michigan
WR- Mario Urrutia Jr. Louisville
TE- Chase Coffman Jr. Missouri
C- Adam Spieker Sr. Missouri
OG- George Robinson Jr. Oklahoma
OG- Adam Kraus Sr. Michigan
OT- Jared Gaither Jr. Maryland
OT- Kirk Barton Sr. Ohio State
K- Sam Swank Jr. Wake Forest
KR- Darrell Blackman Sr. N.C. State
Defense 2nd Team
DE- Lawrence Jackson Sr. USC
DE- Derrick Harvey Jr. Florida
DT- Sedrick Ellis Sr. USC
DT- Roy Miller Jr. Texas
ILB- Vince Hall Sr. Virginia Tech
ILB- Xavier Adibi Sr. Virginia Tech
OLB- Ali Highsmith Sr. LSU
OLB- Malik Jackson Sr. Louisville
CB- Malcom Jenkins Jr. Ohio State
CB- Antoine Cason Sr. Arizona
FS- Taylor Mays So. USC
SS- Courtney Greene Jr. Rutgers
P- Durant Brooks Sr. Georgia Tech
PR- Tracy Porter Sr. Indiana
Well there you have it, in all its unfathomable glory. If you have a problem with the list (such as 3 players from Indiana), kiss my ass. In fact, send me a list of your own, 1st and 2nd or just a 1st, and I’ll post them if I receive enough of them.
Peace-Out an remember… it’s only 66 days until G.T.
Your Supreme Emperor, The Subway Domer.

Everybody Else Is Doing It… Episode III

June 20, 2007

The Journey into next season continues with Subway Domer’s “Why The Hell Not, 2007 Season Predictions” The 3rd part in the ongoing 5 part saga.

ND (5-1) VS. Boston Crap (6-0) 28-3 IRISH

The Eagles came into South Bend with a 6-0 record, a #11 ranking, and a lot of confidence. Wouldn’t you be confident too, if you just went 3-0 after an excruciating 3 game stretch at home versus Army, UMass, and Bowling Green? The Eagles got off to a decent start with a 10 play 87 yard drive down to the Irish 3. They could not punch it in as easy as say… against UMass, so they opted for a field goal. The Fighting Irish started their first drive from the 20… and proceeded to RUN the effing ball relentlessly. Brian Toal was eventually knocked out of the game after 6 straight lead iso blasts that had Asaph Schwaap laying the wood to his ass 6 straight times. Wuss. Robert Hughes ended up with the 4 yard touchdown run that would be the game clincher… in the first quarter. The Irish did turn the ball over several times with 2 fumbles and an interception that were all in B.C. territory, so the beatdown could have been larger. Thomas and Hughes finished the game with a combined 297 yards and 2 TDs. The superdouches walked out of the stadium with a new realization that this is Charlie effing Weis, not Boobs or Ty… and we are no longer to be messed with.

MVP- Trevor Laws 11 tackles (5FL); 3 sacks; Cleats up Ryans ass

ND (6-1) VS. U$C (6-0) 30-28 IRISH

The #1 team in the country strolled into South Bend undefeated and again having all media patting them on the back. It started out with quite a thud. When the SC ran onto the field the Poodle tripped and fell. He broke his patella and cracked his right wrist. The 8 inch grass(unofficially) was of course immediately put to blame. The Poodle spent the game on the sideline on the bench. It was all U$C on the field in the first half. The condoms scored 3 TDs off of 3 long methodical drives. In those drives, Booty was 15-17 for 134 yards and 2 scores-both TD receptions were to Patrick Turner. (Tyler scored the other TD with a 5 yard run). ND did take the last drive of the half 54 yards to the condom 22 after a 41 yard catch and run from Clausen to Golden Tate. Burkhart nailed the 39 yard FG with no time remaining, to make it 21-3 at the half. Since the Irish already had the Green Jersey’s on, Weis switched helmets at the half to help fire up the team. Those are the LEATHER hats ala 1924. Concussions and brain functions be damned. The sight of this display of pure balls had the condoms leaking in their pants. Jimmy Clausen proceeded to DOMINATE the remainder of the game. SC turned the ball over 3 times in the third quarter and JC took the Irish to the promised land after each TO. He did spread the wealth with TDs to Carlson, Grimes, and D.J. Hord. SC took a drive down to the ND 2 and punched it in with a weird Bush Push that involved the Dirty Sanchez and a guy named Booty…82,000 people vomited. 5:31 was remaining at kickoff and 28-24 Condoms. This is a timeline of what happened next…

  • Allen returns the KO to the 27.
  • Travis Thomas runs for 7 yards.
  • Clausen hits Ragone for 15 yards; First Down.
  • Schwaap runs over Cushing for 3 yards. Cushing cries and runs off the field.
  • Allen takes a screen pass 48 yards for a TD. Flag on the field. Sully was called for holding just because he Sumo dropped Sedrick Ellis.
  • Clausen hits Kamara for 11 yards on an out.
  • Clausen to Parris for 8 yards on a slant.
  • 4th down…. Luke Schmidt 2 yard dive ; First Down.
  • Clausen hits Thomas for a 7 yard swing pass.
  • Aldridge runs for 12 on a sweep; First Down.
  • Clausen scrambles for 11 yards FD clock is ticking with 44 ticks remaining.
  • Clausen sacked for a 5 yard loss (on the 12 if you lost track)
  • Clausen scrambles to the 3 yard line and was crushed by Taylor Mays.
  • Clausen leaves the field.
  • Sharpley enters.
  • ND Timeout ….no more TO for either team.
  • Sharpley scrambles out of bounds with 2 ticks remaining.
  • Sharpley hits Carlson on a diving catch in the back of the endzone.
  • Song Girls Cheer
  • Stadium goes apeshit.

MVP- Evan Sharpley 1-1 3 yards 1 TD. And for flipping the bird to Keith Rivers.

Next Up: Seamen (for real), Falcons, Blue Devils, and Trees.

Ranking: 6 A.P. / 6 Coaches / 4 BCS

10,000 Lakes Are Not Enough To Ease The Pain Of Being Inferior To Weis

June 13, 2007

Recently it was announced that Notre Dame would not play The Golden Gophers in the future. This was a decision made by Kevin White (ND A.D.), because it did not fit in with his scheduling plan.
O.K. fair enough. But apparently it does not rub well with new Minnesota Head Coach Tim Brewster. The following is a post found on NDNation.com. It may or may not be true… but how does one make this stuff up?
So I just moved into a new apartment, and it so happens that Tim Brewster, the new U of MN coach, lives in the same place. Last week there was a “meet and greet” for the coach, and he gave his spiel about how great things would be for the MN Gophers, how they were changing the program around, and how excited they were to be moving into a new stadium in ’09. He repeatedly made the statement “we need to keep Minnesota players in Minnesota” and told the crowd if anybody was from Cretin-Derham, to spread that message. I went up to him afterwards and told him congrats and good luck, but that I was from ND and we might be recruiting the same Minnesota players. In what I can only describe as bizarre, Brewster basically went off on me, saying how sick he was Notre Dame and our arrogance, pompous attitudes, and fear of playing Minnesota in their new stadium. When I told him it was the collective opinion of ND fans that it was our athletic director who wouldn’t budge the schedule, he went off on Weis of all people, called him a “slob, a disgrace to Notre Dame, with his dirty mouth and appearance” or something similar. He said Notre Dame could never recruit another Minnesota player until Weis was under 350 pounds. This whole time I was kind of in awe that another D1 coach could be so tactless, especially around somebody who he had never met. I should have asked him if had a Notre Dame opt out clause in his contract, like Holtz. Oh well. But now I really wish we would play them in for their first game in the new stadium.
Truly, jaw dropping. Now imagine what he says to recruits about Weis and the Irish. I hope Floyd has earplugs. High schools kids should not be subjected to what is clearly an elementary mind.
Tim Brewster…you are a dork.